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Category: Summaries

Borderline: Narcissist’s Mirror (and Avoidant Personality Disorder)

Sam Vaknin argues that borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mirror image of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): whereas narcissists defend against the threat of others’ presence by internalizing and “snapshotting” them, borderlines defend against absence by merging and outsourcing psychological functions to others. Although BPD and NPD can appear behaviorally similar—withdrawal, devaluation, cycles of idealization and discard, and comorbidity with avoidant and other personality disorders—their underlying dynamics differ (narcissists seek separation from external objects into internal introjects; borderlines fear abandonment and engulfment, leading to approach-avoidance repetition compulsion). Vaknin also distinguishes avoidant personality disorder as a related but narrower condition characterized mainly by chronic avoidance driven by rejection sensitivity and low self-worth, and illustrates these differences with clinical examples. Borderline: Narcissist’s Mirror (and Avoidant Personality Disorder)

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28.11.2025

How You BEHAVE is NOT Who you ARE (Identity, Memory, Self)

Sam Vaknin argues that core identity (the self) is distinct from behaviors: identity is an immutable, continuous narrative formed early in life, while behaviors, choices, and roles can change across time. He discusses clinical, legal, and philosophical implications, including dissociative identity disorder, concluding that even when behavior changes dramatically the underlying self remains the same and bears responsibility. Memory and introspection are mechanisms for accessing the self, but their absence (e.g., in DID or amnesia) complicates judgments about identity and responsibility. How You BEHAVE is NOT Who you ARE (Identity, Memory, Self)

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28.11.2025

Unconditional Love in Adult Relationships (Family Insourcing and Outsourcing)

Professor argues that ‘unconditional love’ means accepting a person’s core identity, not tolerating all behaviors, and distinguishes loving someone as they are from trying to change or control them. He traces modern misunderstandings to Romanticism’s idealization of partners and the outsourcing/insourcing shifts that hollowed family functions while turning the home into an entertainment hub, producing transactional expectations that conflict with healthy love. Conclusion: mature adult love accepts the partner’s essence unconditionally while maintaining boundaries, discipline, and consequences for repeated transgressions. Unconditional Love in Adult Relationships (Family Insourcing and Outsourcing)

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28.11.2025

Baited, Ejected: YOU in Narcissist’s Shared Fantasy (CLIP, University of Applied Sciences, Poland)

The speaker explained Sander’s concept of the “shared fantasy”—a mutual, addictive narrative created by narcissists and their partners that becomes a competing reality and relates to historical notions like mass psychogenic illness. The talk detailed how narcissists recruit and bind targets through stages—spotting/auditioning, exposure of a childlike self, resonance, idealization and love-bombing (the “hall of mirrors” and “dual mothership”)—using “cold empathy” to map vulnerabilities. This cycle predictably reverses into devaluation, discard, and hoovering as the narcissist reenacts early separation–individuation trauma, driven by an impersonal psychological “machine.” Baited, Ejected: YOU in Narcissist’s Shared Fantasy (CLIP, University of Applied Sciences, Poland)

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28.11.2025

Why Narcissist Never Feels Sorry

Sam Vaknin explained why narcissists rarely apologize, attributing it to a false self born of childhood trauma, grandiose omnipotent beliefs, entitlement, manipulative skills, and impaired empathy and reality testing. He described how these defenses produce a sense of immunity to consequences, chronic dysphoria beneath grandiosity, and defensive misbehavior that harms others, while noting narcissists can control actions when sufficiently incentivized and thus should generally be held accountable. Practical implications include recognizing manipulative patterns, understanding the narcissist’s internal pain and entitlement, and maintaining boundaries while seeking accountability. Why Narcissist Never Feels Sorry

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27.11.2025

Dead Parents Clone Narcissists (and Codependents and Borderlines)

Sam Vaknin presented a theory of three trauma types—self-inflicted, reality-inflicted (growth-promoting), and parental (most damaging)—arguing mothers play a decisive role in shaping lifelong psychological development. He described childhood stages (birth as primary rejection, separation-individuation) and contrasted three narrative responses to the self/world split: psychotic (fusion/identity diffusion), narcissistic (deflationary world, inflated self), and a healthy “nothingness” narrative based on clear boundaries and a calibrated self. Vaknin linked cultural trends (materialism, technology, social media) to the rise of dead-object civilizations and a societal shift toward narcissistic narratives, warning this undermines empathy and long-term collective well-being. Dead Parents Clone Narcissists (and Codependents and Borderlines)

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24.11.2025

Psychology of Fraud and Corruption (Criminology Intro in CIAPS, Cambridge, UK)

Professor explained financial crime as a white-collar subtype, focusing on fraud and corruption and arguing that many offenders show significant psychopathology rather than ordinary greed. Key psychological features include magical thinking, impulsivity, entitlement, narcissism, psychopathy, impaired reality testing, dissociation, lack of empathy, grandiosity, and compulsive behaviors (e.g., kleptomania) that make fraud a pervasive lifestyle and corruption sometimes a compulsive hoarding of wealth. The lecture contrasted white-collar with street crime, noted investigative difficulties due to secrecy and symbolic nature of harm, and observed that attention-seeking and grandiosity often precipitate downfall. Psychology of Fraud and Corruption (Criminology Intro in CIAPS, Cambridge, UK)

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24.11.2025

Abuse Victims MUST Watch This! (with Psychotherapist Renzo Santa María)

Professor Sam Vaknin argued that narcissistic abuse causes distinct, reversible trauma by imposing the abuser’s deficits on victims—eroding identity, agency, reality testing, and inducing internalized ‘introject’ voices that perpetuate suffering. He recommended initial self-work (identifying and silencing alien internal voices, rebuilding an authentic internal friend, body-focused interventions, and delaying therapy until the narcissistic voice is weakened), strict no-contact as the primary protection, and targeted therapies (IFS, schema, CBT, EMDR) for longer-term recovery. Vaknin cautioned against two common recovery mistakes—maintaining contact in the hope the narcissist will restore what was taken, and adopting a lifelong victim identity—and advocated building trauma resilience and proactive, preventive strategies. Abuse Victims MUST Watch This! (with Psychotherapist Renzo Santa María)

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24.11.2025

“Bad” Relationships Are Opportunities (with Daria Zukowska, Clinical Psychologist)

Professor Sam Vaknin discussed dysfunctional relationships and reframed them as learning opportunities rather than “lost time,” emphasizing that growth requires emotional insight and embodiment in addition to cognitive understanding. He explained that negative self-concept arises from internalized hostile voices, can be countered by developing an authentic, supportive inner voice, and advised rebuilding trust slowly—testing partners and first reestablishing trust in oneself. He also noted that healthy relationships accept partners as they are and allow freedom and outside enrichment, and warned against pursuing relationships compulsively. “Bad” Relationships Are Opportunities (with Daria Zukowska, Clinical Psychologist)

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24.11.2025

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