When Stalkers, Abusers are “Ideal” Partners

Why Some People Choose Stalkers and Abusers as Partners

Understanding the Complex Attraction to Abusive Partners

The idea that stalkers and abusers could be ideal intimate partners sounds like clickbait or a controversial claim. Yet, beneath the surface of this counterintuitive notion lies a complex psychological truth. Some individuals, due to deep emotional wounds and unmet psychological needs, are drawn to partners who exhibit stalking or abusive behaviors. This blog post explores why such relationships form, the psychological underpinnings behind this phenomenon, and the implications for those involved.

The Psychological Background: Emotional Needs and Early Wounds

Deep Emotional Needs and Attachment to Abusers

People generally seek partners who fulfill their emotional needs and provide a sense of security or comfort. Surprisingly, stalkers and abusers can sometimes fulfill these roles by resonating with early childhood wounds or unresolved traumas. Instead of offering healthy emotional support, these toxic partners replicate dysfunctional family dynamics that victims unconsciously recognize and accept.

Shared Trauma and Dysfunctional Dynamics

Abusers often come from backgrounds marked by trauma themselves. This shared history creates a psychological kinship between abuser and victim. Both parties may come from dysfunctional families and carry similar emotional scars, which causes them to recognize and “fit” each other in unhealthy ways. The abuser’s controlling and obsessive behavior mirrors the victim’s internal chaos, creating a distorted sense of belonging.

The Role of Loneliness: External and Internal Isolation

The Fear of Loneliness

A predominant factor in these relationships is profound loneliness. People who repeatedly enter abusive or stalking relationships often suffer from intense fear of being alone, to the point where any relationship—no matter how damaging—is preferable to isolation. This fear drives them to tolerate or even seek abusive partners who provide constant attention.

Internal Loneliness and Harsh Inner Voices

Beyond external loneliness, these individuals experience deep internal isolation. Their inner dialogue is frequently dominated by harsh, critical, and rejecting voices that erode their self-esteem and sense of worth. This inner environment lacks positive or supportive self-talk, creating an inner void that can feel unbearable. The external presence of an abuser or stalker temporarily fills this void by offering constant, albeit toxic, attention.

The Paradox of Abuse as Comfort

Stalking and Abuse as Forms of Attention

For victims, the obsessive focus of stalkers and the controlling behavior of abusers can be intoxicating. The victim becomes the center of the abuser’s world, receiving an overwhelming amount of attention. This attention is often misinterpreted as love or care, despite its harmful nature. Stalking and abuse thus paradoxically provide a sense of “object constancy”—the feeling that someone is always there, which many victims desperately crave.

The Psychological Concept of Object Constancy

Object constancy refers to the ability to maintain an emotional connection with another person even in their absence. Victims who struggle with this concept may feel abandoned or empty without constant external presence. Stalkers and abusers provide continuous contact and control, which victims perceive as reliable and reassuring, even if it is damaging.

The Behavior of Victims: Psychological Vulnerabilities and Reactions

Psychological Profiles: Narcissistic and Histrionic Traits

Research shows that people with narcissistic and histrionic personality traits are more likely to become involved with abusers and stalkers. These individuals can experience transient psychotic episodes when faced with rejection or unwanted advances, indicating an extreme sensitivity to relational dynamics. Their psychological makeup often includes immature object relations and unstable internal structures.

Fantasy as a Coping Mechanism

Many victims live in a fantasy world where abuse and stalking are reframed as proof of love or attention. This fantasy protects them from confronting the harsh reality of their loneliness and emotional deprivation. Both abusers and victims may share this fantasy-based approach to relationships, creating a shared but unhealthy relational dynamic.

The Impact of Separation: Psychosis and Behavioral Changes

Breakdown Upon Rejection or Abandonment

When stalkers or abusers withdraw their attention or abandon their partners, victims can experience severe psychological distress. This may include brief psychotic episodes, dissociation, amnesia, or a marked deterioration in mental health. The loss of the abuser’s presence is perceived as a rejection, triggering intense feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

Temporary Psychopathic Behaviors

In response to abandonment, some victims exhibit psychopathic-like behaviors—becoming impulsive, reckless, aggressive, or antisocial. This “psychopathic reactance” serves as a defense mechanism against the emotional pain of rejection. These behavioral changes are often accompanied by dissociative symptoms, where victims feel detached from reality or their own actions.

Why Some Prefer Abuse to Solitude

The Safety of Constant Attention

For certain individuals, the constant presence of a stalker or abuser provides a sense of safety and security that they cannot achieve internally. Even though the attention is painful or harmful, it assures them they are noticed, valued, and not alone. This dynamic challenges conventional views of healthy relationships by highlighting the complexity of human emotional needs.

The Fantasy of Love Embedded in Abuse

Victims often interpret abuse and stalking as signs of love—jealousy is seen as passion, control as care, and obsessive attention as devotion. This fantasy sustains the relationship and makes it difficult for victims to leave, as separation means confronting unbearable loneliness and the loss of their perceived “secure base.”

Conclusion: Recognizing and Addressing a Hidden Reality

Understanding why some individuals choose stalkers and abusers as partners requires compassion and a nuanced view of human psychology. These relationships are rooted in deep emotional wounds, profound loneliness, and dysfunctional internal landscapes. Awareness of these dynamics can inform better therapeutic approaches, support systems, and prevention strategies. Recognizing that abuse can sometimes be perceived as comfort is crucial to breaking the cycle and helping victims find healthier ways to fulfill their emotional needs.

Additional Resources

• Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
• Clinical studies on narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders
• Research on object constancy and early childhood trauma
• Information on dissociative disorders and psychosis

This blog post sheds light on a difficult, often taboo topic in relationship psychology. By exploring the intricate reasons why some people gravitate toward abusive partners, it encourages empathy, informed dialogue, and support for those caught in these painful cycles.