When YOU Discard the Narcissist FIRST

1. Introduction to Discarding a Narcissist

• The meeting opens with a discussion about the rarity of narcissists with empathy followed by the premise of the talk: what happens when you discard a narcissist before they can devalue and discard you. [00:00]

2. Narcissistic Injury vs. Narcissistic Mortification

• Two possible outcomes when discarding a narcissist:
  • Narcissistic Injury: The narcissist’s false self responds with increased grandiosity and rage as a defense.
  • Narcissistic Mortification: This leads to a breakdown of their defenses, cognitive distortions fail, and reality intrudes with long-lasting effects, sometimes life-threatening.
• Public, humiliating discards often lead to mortification, while private out-of-relationship breakups typically cause injury. [03:40]

3. Psychological Impact on the Narcissist

• When discarded, the narcissist perceives the discard as re-traumatization by a maternal figure, replicating the original trauma caused by their real mother.
• This new “abuser” status in their mind triggers intense emotional dysregulation akin to borderline personality disorder.
• The narcissist may act out dangerously or criminally due to this emotional overwhelm. [07:20]

4. Narcissist’s Defensive Mechanisms post-Discard

• To shield from trauma, narcissists dissociate and may forget actions taken during this time.
• They are essentially borderline-like in their reactions and emotional state after discard. [12:20]

5. Separation Insecurity and Abandonment Anxiety

• Discarding the narcissist disrupts the “shared fantasy,” creating separation insecurity or abandonment anxiety as the narcissist still sees the discarder as a maternal figure even after a short relationship.
• The narcissist maintains a stable internal object (inject) of the partner, unlike a borderline, causing a mismatch with the real partner who has discarded them, leading to “inject dissonance.” [14:45]

6. Narcissistic Hoovering and Coercive Snapshotting

• To resolve inject dissonance, the narcissist often attempts to “hoover” or stalk the discarder, forcing re-entry into the shared fantasy to maintain their internal image.
• Mortification is the only case where the narcissist typically avoids the discarder permanently. [18:32]

7. Narcissist’s Reframing and Grief

• The narcissist reconceptualizes the discard through:
  • Internal solution: Convincing themselves they manipulated the partner to discard them, maintaining control.
  • External solution: Viewing the discarder as evil and themselves as the virtuous victim.
• The narcissist experiences grief over the loss of the shared fantasy, not the real partner. [22:45]

8. Replacement and Repetition Compulsion

• After the loss, the narcissist seeks substitutes for the discarded partner:
  • Isomorphic replacement: Someone similar to the previous partner.
  • Dissimilar replacement: Someone very different, more common after mortification.
• The narcissist replay the relationship cycle from idealization to attempt completion of separation and individuation.
• Victims are interchangeable to the narcissist; the internal object matters more than the individual. [28:10]

9. Applicability Beyond Intimate Relationships

• The dynamics of discard affect not only intimate relationships but also friendships, workplaces, and other social groups, as narcissists relate to the world via shared fantasies regardless of relationship type. [30:50]

10. Final Thoughts

• The talk emphasizes the profound psychological mechanisms behind narcissistic injury, mortification, and the complexities of discarding a narcissist.
• Understanding these mechanisms prepares individuals for the narcissist’s possible reactions and manipulations post-discard. [32:00]