To Become, Narcissist Needs You GONE (Clip: Skopje Seminar, May 2025)

Introduction to Narcissistic Abuse as a Test

Narcissistic abuse is often misunderstood as merely harmful or destructive behavior. However, it can be conceptualized as a test or audition—phase two of an ongoing psychological process. If a person stays in a relationship despite the narcissist’s mistreatment, it signals unconditional love or compassion. This endurance convinces the narcissist that their partner is a “good enough” or even an excellent mother figure, capable of catering to their needs despite the abuse.

The narcissist’s belief in the partner’s unconditional love allows them to move to the next phase: separation individuation. This internal developmental process is crucial for the narcissist but fraught with psychological complexity.

The Concept of Separation Individuation
What is Separation Individuation?

Separation individuation is a psychological term originally used to describe a child’s process of becoming an independent individual while maintaining a relationship with the mother or primary caregiver. This involves physically separating and exploring the external world, yet retaining an internal sense of connection and security.

In the context of narcissistic relationships, this process becomes problematic because the narcissist cannot separate physically or externally in a healthy way. Instead, the narcissist struggles to achieve separation on an internal level, from the idealized internal image of their partner.

The Child’s Model of Healthy Separation

In normal development, a child gradually distances from the mother, taking a few steps away and then looking back for reassurance. This is a real, physical process that helps the child develop object constancy—the understanding that the mother continues to exist and care for them even when not physically present.

When supported by a secure and encouraging maternal figure, the child gains confidence to explore and develop into a healthy adult. This process is accompanied by “healthy narcissism,” a term used to describe a balanced sense of self-esteem and grandiosity that Freud called “primary narcissism.”

Narcissist’s Challenge: Internal vs. External Separation
The Narcissist’s Predicament

Unlike children, adult narcissists cannot separate externally from their partners because they relate to others primarily as internal objects, not real external persons. This means separation individuation for a narcissist happens inside their mind, where the partner exists as an idealized internal object.

The Role of Internal Objects in Narcissism

In psychology, an internal object is a mental representation of another person, often idealized or devalued depending on the narcissist’s needs. The narcissist clings to this internal image to maintain their own fragile self-esteem and grandiose self-perception.

When the narcissist feels the need to separate, they must alter this internal image. But since separation from ideal objects is impossible without internal conflict, the narcissist initiates a process known as devaluation.

The Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation
Idealization: The Foundation of Narcissistic Attachment

Initially, the narcissist idealizes their partner, viewing them as an unconditionally loving and perfect figure—the ideal mother. This idealization is crucial because it supports the narcissist’s grandiose self-image and emotional stability.

Devaluation: The Necessary Step for Separation

To separate internally, the narcissist must devalue this internal object. Devaluation means downgrading the partner’s image from perfect to flawed, bad, or even hostile. This shift allows the narcissist to justify separation because no one wants to remain attached to a devalued or “bad” internal object.

The Psychological Dissonance of Devaluation

Devaluation creates a profound internal dilemma for the narcissist. Since idealization was initially absolute, devaluing the same object implies that the narcissist was wrong or mistaken—a notion narcissists vehemently reject. Narcissists believe they are never wrong, so this contradiction creates intense cognitive dissonance.

Furthermore, even after devaluation, the narcissist remains stuck with the internal object; the object does not disappear but transforms into a “pecary” or bad object. This imperfect internal object challenges the narcissist’s self-perception of perfection and drives ongoing internal conflict.

The Rotten Apple Analogy

Imagine owning ten perfect apples and one rotten apple among them. Despite the abundance of perfection, that single rotten apple ruins the perception of perfection. Similarly, the narcissist struggles with the devalued internal object, which tarnishes their grandiose self-view.

Consequences of Internal Conflict in Narcissistic Separation
Repetition Compulsion and Relationship Patterns

Due to the internal difficulties in separation and devaluation, narcissists often repeat the same destructive relationship patterns throughout their lives. This repetition compulsion reflects their inability to resolve the dissonance caused by idealization and devaluation.

Emotional and Psychological Impact on the Partner

For the partner, this cycle of idealization and devaluation translates into ongoing abuse, trauma, and confusion. Despite enduring mistreatment, the partner’s continued care and compassion reinforce the narcissist’s need for the next phase of separation, perpetuating the cycle.

Conclusion: Understanding the Narcissist’s Internal Struggle

Narcissistic abuse is more than external mistreatment; it is deeply rooted in the narcissist’s internal psychological processes. The phases of idealization, separation individuation, and devaluation reflect the narcissist’s struggle with object constancy and self-perception.

Recognizing that narcissistic abuse functions as a test and internal conflict can empower partners to understand the underlying dynamics and seek appropriate support. Healing requires breaking free from the cycle of idealization and devaluation and reclaiming one’s autonomy outside the narcissist’s internal drama.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse where a narcissist manipulates, devalues, and controls their partner to maintain power and reinforce their self-image.

What does separation individuation mean in narcissistic relationships?

It refers to the narcissist’s internal process of attempting to separate from their partner’s mental image while struggling with the inability to separate externally or emotionally.

Why do narcissists idealize and then devalue their partners?

Narcissists idealize partners to uphold their grandiose self-image and devalue them to justify separation and reduce internal conflict, although this creates cognitive dissonance.

Can narcissists change their behavior?

Change is difficult because narcissistic behaviors are deeply ingrained patterns linked to internal psychological conflicts. Therapy and self-awareness can help but require commitment and insight.

Key Takeaways

Narcissistic abuse is an internal test of unconditional love and caregiving.
Separation individuation is a complex psychological process difficult for narcissists to achieve externally.
Narcissists relate to partners as internal objects, leading to cycles of idealization and devaluation.
Devaluation causes cognitive dissonance and perpetuates abusive patterns.
Understanding these dynamics is vital for partners to seek healing and break free from abuse.

This intricate psychological understanding sheds light on the painful cycle of narcissistic relationships and highlights the importance of awareness and self-care for those affected.