Negative Hoovering, Narcissistic Probing: YOU, the Enemy (Persecutory Object)

Overview

• Speaker: Malignant self-love (narcissism expert, former visiting professor and current faculty member at CRS)
• Topic: Mechanics and psychology of narcissistic relationships, focusing on devaluation, discard, hoovering, and probing.
• Purpose: Explain how narcissists alternate between grandiosity and vulnerability; describe the strategies they use to re-acquire or neutralize former partners; provide practical guidance for targets.

Key Concepts and Definitions

• Devaluation and Discard: The terminal phase of the shared-fantasy relationship in which the narcissist transforms the partner from idealized to devalued (persecutory object) and then discards them. This process is inherently part of the narcissist’s compulsion to separate and individuate.
• Hoovering: Attempts by the narcissist to reacquire or re-idealize the discarded partner. Hoovering contains both grandiose (belief in omnipotence and irresistibility) and vulnerable elements (fear of further narcissistic injury).
• Narcissistic Probing: Hesitant tests the narcissist performs to determine if hoovering will succeed and to avoid rejection. Probing includes direct communication tests and indirect intelligence-gathering through third parties and social media.
• Collapse/Decompensation: When the narcissist fails to extract sufficient narcissistic supply, they may ‘collapse,’ exposing a fragile, vulnerable core (covert traits) beneath their grandiose façade. This state is temporary and does not redefine the narcissist’s overall character.
• Shared Fantasy: The interpersonal arrangement in which the target functions as a maternal/idealizing figure for the narcissist. The shared fantasy’s purpose is to secure narcissistic supply and inevitably ends in devaluation/discard.

Behavioral Dynamics

• Grandiosity vs Vulnerability: Narcissists display both compensatory grandiosity and an underlying fragile inferiority complex. Grandiose behaviors (entitlement, omnipotence) compensate for feelings of unworthiness.
• Emotional Oscillation: After devaluation/discard the narcissist becomes more vulnerable, passive-aggressive, envious, and sometimes more malevolent or antisocial. This may temporarily produce borderline-like emotional dysregulation and secondary psychopathic behaviors.
• Testing Mechanisms:
  • Love-bombing and Grooming: Initially used to condition and shape the partner’s behavior; also function as tests to verify unconditional acceptance and maternal-like devotion.
  • Lab-bombing (Hermeneutic Lab): Constant monitoring of the target’s words, acts, posts—treated as experimental data to predict responses.
  • Third-party Probes (Flying Monkeys): Recruitment of mutual contacts, friends, family, and acquaintances to act as eyes and ears and to relay information or apply influence.
  • Social-media Surveillance: Use of fake or real accounts to stalk, gather intelligence, or impersonate others to obtain private information.

Timeline and Risk

• Hoovering Frequency: Most frequent shortly after devaluation/discard. The speaker recommends heightened vigilance for a minimum period of two years (noting risks can extend longer, with examples of up to three years).
• Possible Outcomes the Narcissist Seeks Post-Discard:
  • Re-idealization (reacquisition): Target returns as intimate partner in a new shared fantasy.
  • Conversion to Enemy: If reacquisition fails, the narcissist may attempt to convert the target into an active enemy who can be punished, vilified, or destroyed—this delivers psychic closure to the narcissist.
• Oscillation: Narcissists may rapidly alternate between treating the target as ideal and as enemy; they may simultaneously probe both paths.
• Criminal and Antisocial Risks: If the target refuses to collaborate, the narcissist may escalate to identity theft, stalking, threats, impersonation, or other illegal acts to obtain control or revenge.

Clinical and Conceptual Points

• Universality of Vulnerability: The speaker rejects strict clinical dichotomies (overt/grandiose vs covert/vulnerable) as separate types; instead, both aspects coexist and are revealed depending on context (especially after collapse).
• Narcissism vs Psychopathy: True narcissism includes a fragile vulnerable core; absence of vulnerability suggests psychopathy rather than narcissism.
• Narcissists’ Self-Awareness: The speaker argues narcissists are often self-aware and deliberately test and manipulate others; they are hypervigilant to threats of rejection.

Practical Guidance for Targets

• Privacy and Security:
  • Make social media private and restrict sharing.
  • Reject unknown friend requests and oversharing.
  • Monitor for fake accounts and impersonation attempts.
• Boundary Strategy for Hoovering:
  • Be firm but not hostile when responding to hoovering attempts; communicate clear boundaries and that you have moved on.
  • Avoid adversarial, baiting, or contemptuous reactions, which may provoke escalation.
  • After setting boundaries verbally a few times, return to no-contact.
• Safety Considerations:
  • Be aware of potential recruitment of friends/family by the narcissist.
  • Treat any signs of stalking, impersonation, or illegal behavior seriously; consider legal and security measures.

Notable Illustrative Points

• Shared Fantasy Role: The target is cast as maternal/ideal figure; the narcissist re-enacts unresolved early childhood conflicts during the relationship.
• Motivation for Probing: Probing resolves cognitive dissonance and reduces the risk of further narcissistic injury by ensuring the likelihood of acceptance or by assessing the feasibility of converting the target to an enemy.
• Hoovering as Hybrid Behavior: It simultaneously reflects grandiosity (expectation of success) and vulnerability (fear of being rejected again).

Recommendations Emphasized by Speaker

• Maintain privacy on social media and limit public personal information.
• Be vigilant particularly for the first two years post-devaluation/discard.
• Respond to hoovering firmly, calmly, and briefly; then enact no-contact after repeated boundary statements.
• Do not assume neutrality will be tolerated—narcissists need a categorical outcome (intimate partner or enemy) and will force resolution.

Conclusion

• The devaluation/discard cycle temporarily reveals the narcissist’s vulnerable underbelly, which motivates probing and hoovering to restore equilibrium.
• Targets should adopt firm, non-hostile boundaries, protect privacy, and expect intense monitoring and third-party surveillance in the aftermath. The risk of escalation (including criminal behavior) is real if the narcissist cannot reintegrate the target into his internal object representation.