7 Phases of Shared Fantasy: Why Narcissist Needs YOU

Understanding Narcissistic Relationships: Shared Fantasy & Dual Mothership

Narcissistic interpersonal and intimate relationships often puzzle those involved, leaving partners confused by the erratic, contradictory, and seemingly inhuman behaviors of narcissists. This blog post provides a deep dive into an integrated conceptual framework that explains these complex dynamics, synthesizing the theories of shared fantasy and dual mothership. This framework sheds light on the stages of narcissistic interaction, from idealization to discard, helping readers better understand the emotional rollercoaster they may experience.

Introduction to the Conceptual Framework

The framework revolves around two key ideas: the shared fantasy and the dual mothership. These theories explore how narcissists create a psychological space to cope with childhood trauma and how they replicate early dysfunctional maternal relationships in their adult intimate connections.

The Challenge of Grasping Narcissistic Behavior

At first exposure, the model can seem complex and difficult to understand. However, it offers a unified explanation for the bizarre and often contradictory behaviors narcissists exhibit towards their closest relations. This model is essential for anyone looking to comprehend the underlying psychological mechanisms driving narcissistic relationships.

The Shared Fantasy: A Psychological Theme Park

What is the Shared Fantasy?

The shared fantasy, a concept first proposed by Sander in 1989, refers to a mental space created by the narcissist. This space acts like a “theme park” or “Disneyland” where the narcissist can safely re-experience childhood trauma without facing the unpredictability and pain of reality.

• Escape from Reality: Reality is perceived by the narcissist as hurtful, dangerous, and uncontrollable.
• Para-cosmic Space: The shared fantasy is a dissociated realm where the narcissist invites their intimate partner to participate, but it is divorced from the actual person.

The Complexity and Stages of Shared Fantasy

The shared fantasy unfolds over multiple, often contradictory stages that confuse partners:

1. Co-Idealization (Love Bombing):
   The narcissist idealizes you, portraying you as perfect, brilliant, and unique. This stage serves two main purposes:
   • To get you addicted to your own idealized image seen through the narcissist’s gaze (the “hall of mirrors” effect).
   • To idealize themselves by internalizing your idealized image, which becomes part of their internal world (introject).
2. Dual Mothership:
   In this phase, the narcissist converts you into a maternal figure, representing their original, often dysfunctional mother. Simultaneously, the narcissist offers you unconditional love and idealization, effectively becoming your “mother” too. This mutual mothering relationship is addictive as it offers a second chance at childhood nurturing.
3. Mental Discard:
   The narcissist begins mentally separating from you, triggering narcissistic injury and abandonment anxiety because this separation implies a fundamental misjudgment on their part. To overcome this, they devalue you externally to restore their grandiosity.
4. Devaluation and Splitting:
   After devaluing you as an external object, the narcissist must also devalue your internal representation (introject) through splitting — categorizing you as all bad to maintain their own grandiose self-image as all good.
5. Real-Life Discard and Introject Conflict:
   When the narcissist physically discards you, they still carry your internal image, often corrupted and devalued, which causes ongoing anxiety and conflict inside their mind.
6. Re-idealization and Repetition:
   Unable to fully rid themselves of your internal image, narcissists often return to idealization, restarting the cycle with you or a new partner, known as repetition compulsion.

The Dual Mothership Concept Explored

The Narcissist’s Maternal Conflict

The dual mothership concept explains how the narcissist’s unresolved childhood conflicts with their mother manifest in adult relationships.

• The Original Mother: Often described as a “dead mother” — emotionally absent, abusive, or controlling — this figure prevents the narcissist from individuating and becoming a mature adult.
• The Substitute Mother: The narcissist attempts to displace this original maternal introject onto their partner, forcing them into a mother role.
• Mutual Mothering: While the narcissist demands unconditional love and idealization from the partner (as a mother would give), they also offer maternal validation themselves, creating an addictive emotional loop.

The Struggle to Separate

The narcissist’s core developmental failure is their inability to separate from their mother psychologically. By making their partner a stand-in mother, they attempt to complete this unfinished childhood process.

• Separation Anxiety: When the narcissist tries to separate from their partner (maternal figure), it causes narcissistic injury because it implies imperfection and fallibility.
• Devaluation as a Defense: To protect their fragile grandiose self-image, the narcissist devalues the partner, both externally and internally.

The Psychological Mechanics Behind Idealization and Devaluation

Co-Idealization: The Hall of Mirrors Effect

• The narcissist invites the partner into a shared fantasy where they see themselves as perfect and indispensable.
• This idealization binds the partner emotionally, making it difficult to leave.

Internalizing the Introject: Ownership and Fusion

• The narcissist “photoshops” the partner’s image into a perfect internal object called the introject.
• Owning this introject makes the narcissist feel grandiose and powerful, akin to ancient beliefs of consuming enemies to gain their strengths.

Devaluation: Restoring Grandiosity

• When the narcissist must separate, they devalue the partner to erase the narcissistic injury.
• Devaluation includes portraying the partner as deceitful, manipulative, or unworthy.
• This external devaluation reconciles their need to maintain perfection and avoid admitting fault.

Splitting: Handling Contradictory Realities

• The narcissist splits the partner’s internal image into “all good” or “all bad” to manage conflicting feelings.
• This primitive defense mechanism simplifies complex emotions by categorizing people into extremes.

Introject Constancy and Anxiety

• Narcissists relate primarily to internal representations rather than real people.
• When discarding the partner, the corrupted introject remains, causing ongoing internal conflict and anxiety.
• The narcissist tries to “hand over” this devalued introject to the partner, seeking their acknowledgment of blame, which rarely happens.

Why Narcissists Cannot Truly Separate

The narcissist faces a paradox: to separate, they must discard and devalue the partner, but doing so devalues part of themselves. This creates an internal conflict between:

• Maintaining Grandiosity: Requires idealizing the partner and internal objects.
• Separating and Individuating: Requires devaluation, which implies imperfection and narcissistic injury.

Because of this conflict, narcissists often fail to separate fully, leading to repetition compulsion — replaying the same dysfunctional dynamics with new partners.

The Exception: Narcissistic Mortification and Modification

• In rare cases where a narcissist undergoes mortification (a psychological “death” of the false self), their defenses collapse.
• This leads to a painful but genuine reconstruction of the self, allowing for true separation and self-idealization.
• Post-mortification, the narcissist may reinvent themselves, erasing prior memories and dynamics, thus breaking the cycle.

Recap: The Cycle of Narcissistic Intimate Relationships

1. Co-Idealization: Narcissist idealizes partner, idealizing self through them.
2. Dual Mothership: Partner becomes maternal figure; mutual idealization and dependency form.
3. Mental Discard: Narcissist attempts to separate internally, triggering narcissistic injury.
4. Devaluation: Partner is devalued externally to protect narcissist’s grandiosity.
5. Splitting: Internal representation of partner is devalued; narcissist maintains “all good” self.
6. Real Discard: Partner discarded physically but internal conflict remains.
7. Codevaluation Conflict: Narcissist struggles with contradictory internal and external images.
8. Re-Idealization: To resolve anxiety, narcissist re-idealizes partner or moves to new partner.
9. Repetition Compulsion: Cycle repeats indefinitely unless mortification occurs.

Conclusion: Insights and Implications for Partners

Understanding this integrated framework of shared fantasy and dual mothership provides crucial insights for those entangled in narcissistic relationships:

• The confusing fluctuations between idealization and devaluation are part of a deep psychological process rooted in childhood trauma.
• The partner is often caught in a cycle of addiction to idealization and pain from devaluation.
• True separation and healing are complicated by the narcissist’s internal conflicts and lack of ego development.
• Recognizing these patterns can empower partners to set boundaries, seek support, and avoid being trapped in the narcissist’s psychological “haunted house.”

For those seeking deeper healing or personalized guidance, professional counseling and education on cluster B personality disorders can be invaluable resources.

By exploring this comprehensive model, we can better understand the intricate and often painful dance within narcissistic relationships, enabling more empathy, awareness, and informed choices.