Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU “Dead”) – Binary Narcissism

1. Overview of Narcissistic Devaluation

• Narcissists devalue, humiliate, and criticize to create bad atmosphere, undermine relationships, and destroy intimacy, making partners less cooperative and supportive. This behavior is self-defeating but serves the narcissist’s needs. [00:00]

2. The Concept of the “Snapshot”

• Narcissists form an idealized “snapshot” of their partner, expecting them to conform exactly to that ideal. Deviation from this snapshot provokes narcissistic aggression because the narcissist interacts only with internal objects, not the real person. [02:00]

3. The Narcissist’s Need for Control and Grandiosity

• Narcissists need total control over their partner to maintain their god-like grandiosity, which they equate with freedom. Independent behavior by the partner challenges this and triggers devaluation. [05:30]

4. Separation Anxiety and Devaluation as Defense

• When partners act autonomously, it creates separation insecurity (abandonment anxiety) in the narcissist, which he mitigates by devaluing the partner to reduce feelings of loss and prevent narcissistic injury. [07:00]

5. The Narcissist as “Walking Dead” and Desire for the Partner’s Death

• Narcissists are described metaphorically as “walking dead,” dead inside with a void or black hole at their core, feeling lonelier than others. They want to “kill” the partner’s spirit to drag them into the same deathlike state, creating a shared psychosis. [09:00]

6. The Shared Fantasy and Zombie-like Relationship

• The narcissist’s internal world is a mirrored hallucination with no true other person involved. The partner, upon joining this fantasy, loses autonomy and becomes a projection, effectively dying incrementally as they merge into this psychosis. [12:00]

7. The Faustian Deal of Narcissistic Love

• The narcissist offers unconditional love, experienced as self-love, but only if the partner abandons their true self, thus becoming lovable only as a shadow of the narcissist’s idealized image. This results in loss of autonomy and self-efficacy for the partner. [15:00]

8. Unique Nature of Narcissistic Abuse and Devaluation Types

• Narcissistic abuse uniquely attacks the core being of the partner; devaluation serves as a primary vector. Two types discussed are preemptive and reactive devaluation, which differ significantly though they may appear similar externally. [18:30]

9. Narcissistic Topology and Dynamic: Overt and Covert Narcissists

• Narcissists can be overt (somatic) or covert (cerebral), and can transition between states through a process called collapse, often triggered by failure to obtain narcissistic supply. This transition can result in a binary narcissistic system where both overt and covert states coexist. [21:00]

10. Description of the Binary System in Narcissists

• In the binary narcissist, the overt part is grandiose, sadistic, and domineering, acting as an inner critic over the covert, which is vulnerable and despised. The overt interacts with others to secure supply, while the covert resents and undermines the overt internally. [24:30]

11. Internal Conflict and Coalition with Outsiders

• The overt collaborates with external people (sources of supply) to attack the covert, forming alliances that further subjugate the covert part. This internal war involves ongoing internal dialogue and external manipulation targeting the covert. [28:00]

12. Covert’s Preemptive Devaluation of the Overt’s Contacts

• To counter the overt’s weaponization of external contacts, the covert preemptively devalues these potential sources of supply, trying to render them useless to the overt and deprive the overt of allies or tools against the covert. [32:00]

13. Impact on Intimate Partners and Mixed Messaging

• Partners of a binary narcissist experience simultaneous idealization and devaluation, leading to confusion and disorientation, distinct from the typical cycle of idealization-devaluation-discard seen in stable overt or covert narcissists. [36:00]

14. Summary of the Binary System Effects

• The binary narcissistic system creates a state of internal civil war, with the partner and others caught in the crossfire. This results in pervasive abuse and manipulation, both internally within the narcissist and externally towards others, especially intimate partners. [38:30]

Note: Due to the continuous nature of the transcript, timestamps are approximate and indicate starting points or notable moments for each topic.