Unforgiving Narcissist Hoovers to Revenge, Holds Grudges

1. Differentiating Types of Hoovering by a Narcissist

• Narcissist hovering can be motivated by true idealization or a grudge-driven punitive intent. True hovering is about reintegration, whereas grudge-driven hovering seeks punishment.
• Signs of grudge-driven hovering include repeated accusations of transgressions, lack of idealization, insistence on being right, moral superiority, need for confession or restitution, punitive behavior, and coercive control.
• The narcissist demands behavioral modification, submission, and guarantees against future offenses as part of holding a grudge.
• When these signs appear, the recommended response is no contact.
  [timestamps: 00:00–10:30]

2. Characteristics of Narcissistic Grudges

• Narcissists hold grudges indefinitely, never forgiving or forgetting, due to their fragile and brittle selves.
• They redefine transgressions arbitrarily and inconsistently across time, preventing closure.
• This instability reflects the narcissist’s lack of a consistent self or identity, making forgiveness impossible.
  [timestamps: 10:30–15:00]

3. Theoretical Basis: Grudge as a Relationship Management Tool

• A grudge is relational, used to communicate pain, expectations, and redefine relationship terms.
• It converts reality into a fantasy focused on victimhood, injustice, and retribution.
• The grudge can either end or perpetuate the relationship under new conditions.
  [timestamps: 15:00–18:45]

4. Narcissistic Functions of Holding a Grudge

• Reconstitutes narcissistic grandiosity by combating narcissistic injury and mortification caused by perceived public shame or humiliation.
• Narcissists see themselves as omnipotent and infallible; losing or being outwitted challenges this self-view.
• The grudge restores their sense of omniscience and omnipotence, proving they “never lose” and are “always right.”
• It involves self-righteous indignation, strict moral standards, and an unforgiving perfectionism.
  [timestamps: 18:45–27:00]

5. Moral Injury and Retribution

• Narcissists view offenses as irreparable moral injuries, making forgiveness impossible.
• They expect restitution, confessions, and visible remorse, but often reject these to maintain control and the dynamic of victimhood.
• The grudge evolves into punitive vengeance intended for self-vindication rather than genuine reconciliation.
  [timestamps: 27:00–33:00]

6. Control and Manipulation via Grudges

• A grudge allows the narcissist to control the narrative and others in their “shared fantasy,” assigning rigid roles and maintaining dominance.
• The grudge serves as deterrence, modifying others’ behavior through fear of the narcissist’s vengeful reactions.
• Unlike typical grudges, a narcissist’s grudge lacks self-limiting expiration and focuses more on impression management, projecting strength by never forgiving.
  [timestamps: 33:00–39:45]

7. The External Solution to Narcissistic Mortification

• Narcissistic mortification arises from public humiliation, triggering intense anxiety and personality disintegration risks.
• One coping mechanism is the “external solution” which involves blaming others and cultivating eternal grudges against perceived malicious conspirators.
• This externalized victimhood narrative justifies long-term grudges as proof of innocence and moral superiority.
  [timestamps: 39:45–46:00]

8. Splitting Mechanism and Narcissistic Victimhood

• The narcissist divides the world into absolute good and evil, assigning themselves the role of the moral victim.
• They exaggerate the severity and disproportionality of offenses to maintain the narrative of victimhood and justify ongoing grudges.
• This splitting supports ongoing ruminations and obsessive focus on previous humiliations and injuries.
  [timestamps: 46:00–50:00]

9. Summary: Why Narcissists Never Let Go of Grudges

• Grudges serve multiple key psychological functions for the narcissist: preserving grandiosity, seeking revenge, maintaining control, managing relationships, and sustaining victimhood narratives.
• The narcissist’s lack of consistent self-identity and moral rigidity make grudges permanent and necessary.
• Unlike ordinary people, narcissists never forgive or forget because grudges provide coherence and justification for their life story.
  [timestamps: 50:00–54:30]

This summary captures the main ideas and psychological insights on narcissist grudges and behaviors related to hoovering discussed throughout the meeting.