Post-TRAUMA: Expelled from Narcissist’s Shared Fantasy (Skopje Seminar Day 2, Lecture 2, May 2025)

Introduction

Narcissistic abuse is a profoundly damaging experience that affects victims on multiple psychological and emotional levels. Unlike typical relationship breakups, the trauma caused by narcissistic relationships involves deep identity loss, betrayal, and a complex grieving process. This article explores the psychological mechanics behind narcissistic abuse, the multilayered grief experienced by victims, and a comprehensive approach to healing and recovery.

The Narcissistic Cycle: Internal and External Object Dynamics

The Internal Object and Dissonance

At the core of narcissistic abuse is the concept of the internal object—a mental representation of a significant other, often idealized by the narcissist. When the narcissist perceives flaws or betrayals in this internal object, it causes cognitive dissonance: how could the idealized figure be imperfect? Narcissists, who maintain a grandiose self-concept, cannot admit to being wrong. This internal conflict forces them to either devalue the object or reshape reality to avoid the painful dissonance.

Devaluation and Separation

The narcissist initially idealizes the external object (the victim) through love bombing, shaping them to fit the internal fantasy. When disillusionment sets in, the narcissist reverses course by devaluing the external object, forcing the victim to fit a negative internal representation. This phase culminates in the discard or separation, where the narcissist abandons both the internal and external objects, triggering intense abandonment anxiety and internal turmoil.

Psychological Impact of Discarding the Internal Object

Separation Insecurity and Abandonment Anxiety

Discarding the internal object is akin to losing a mother figure, creating acute separation insecurity or abandonment anxiety. The narcissist experiences this as profound loneliness and panic, akin to a child lost in a shopping mall, which destabilizes their emotional equilibrium.

Object Inconstancy vs. Introject Constancy

Narcissists struggle with object inconstancy, meaning they cannot trust the presence of others when not physically present. However, they maintain introject constancy, trusting their internal representations of people. This contrasts sharply with borderline personality organization, where internal representations fade when the person is absent, leading to extreme abandonment fears.

The Shared Fantasy: Identity Erosion and Emotional Manipulation

The Role of the Shared Fantasy

Narcissistic relationships revolve around a shared fantasy, where the narcissist molds the victim to fit an idealized or devalued internal object. This process strips the victim of their core identity, forcing them to become a “living sculpture” of the narcissist’s mother figure. The victim experiences identity diffusion, losing track of who they truly are as they adapt to shifting expectations.

Emotional Consequences for the Victim

Victims often feel hollowed out, zombified, and emotionally drained. They are caught in a cycle of idealization and devaluation, with no chance to express their authentic selves. This leads to severe emotional dysregulation, confusion, and a fragmented sense of self.

The Unique Grief of Narcissistic Abuse

Profound Losses Beyond a Typical Breakup

Breaking up with a narcissist is not just the end of a relationship; it is the simultaneous loss of multiple vital parts of the self:

• The loss of a caregiver-like figure (the narcissist as a mother figure)
• The loss of the inner child within the narcissist, which the victim was compelled to nurture
• The loss of identity, dreams, and the future envisioned during the shared fantasy

This compound grief is akin to losing a child and a mother on the same day — a deeply traumatic and disorienting experience.

Prolonged Grief Disorder and Compounded Mourning

Victims often suffer from prolonged grief disorder, a clinical diagnosis characterized by intense, lasting grief that does not abate after one year. This grief encompasses betrayal, loss of innocence, shattered hopes, and a pervasive sense of meaninglessness.

The Crisis of Meaning and Reality Testing

The Hermeneutic Crisis

Victims face a crisis of meaning as they struggle to reconcile the fantasy the narcissist created with harsh reality. The relationship often feels meaningless and arbitrary, like a natural disaster with no explanation or justice. This leads to existential despair and questioning of one’s own judgment and reality.

Reality Suspension and Catastrophizing

Narcissists compel victims to abandon reality and immerse themselves in a fantasy world. When the relationship ends, victims are forced back into reality, which feels unbearable. This triggers paranoia, hypervigilance, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors, as victims mourn the loss of a secure base and the safety they once felt.

The Psychological Aftermath: Identity Diffusion and Dissociation

Identity Disturbance and Dissociative Symptoms

The emotional manipulation and identity erosion result in identity diffusion—a loss of a stable, continuous sense of self. Victims frequently experience dissociative symptoms such as amnesia, depersonalization, and derealization. Many develop borderline personality traits or emotional dysregulation as a survival mechanism.

Loss of Ego Congruence

Narcissistic abuse destroys ego congruence, the ability to view oneself as a unified, consistent individual. Victims feel fragmented, disjointed, and unable to trust their own perceptions or memories, complicating the healing process.

The Path to Healing: The Nine-Fold Path

The Importance of Regaining Control

Recovery from narcissistic abuse requires regaining an internal locus of control—the belief that one controls their mind and emotions rather than being controlled by external events or people. Understanding trauma as a state of mind, not just an external event, empowers victims to heal.

Body, Mind, and Functions: A Holistic Approach

Healing is a multifaceted process involving:

• Body: Recognizing the role of physical health and somatic experiences in trauma recovery. Trauma manifests in the body, and recovery requires bodily awareness and care.
• Mind: Addressing cognitive, emotional, and psychological aspects through therapies that help re-establish identity, trust, and emotional regulation.
• Functions: Relearning how to function effectively in daily life, rebuilding relationships, and developing healthy coping mechanisms.

This approach challenges the traditional psychotherapy focus solely on the mind and emphasizes the inseparable connection between body and mind for effective healing.

Conclusion: The Complexity of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Narcissistic abuse is a unique and devastating form of trauma that entails profound identity loss, grief, and a complex cycle of emotional manipulation. The victim’s journey is marked by the shattering of illusions, betrayal, and a crisis of meaning that permeates every aspect of their existence. Recovery is neither simple nor quick; it demands a nuanced understanding of the psychological dynamics at play and a comprehensive healing strategy addressing body, mind, and functional restoration.

While the path to healing is challenging, embracing an internal locus of control and engaging in holistic recovery methods can restore the victim’s autonomy, identity, and hope for a fulfilling life beyond narcissistic abuse.

FAQs

Q1: What is the “internal object” in narcissistic abuse?
The internal object is the narcissist’s mental representation of another person, often idealized. When this object is perceived as flawed, it causes dissonance and triggers devaluation and discard phases.

Q2: Why is narcissistic abuse grief so intense?
Because it involves simultaneous losses—the victim’s identity, the fantasy of a relationship, and a caregiver-like figure—leading to compounded, prolonged grief and trauma.

Q3: How does narcissistic abuse affect a victim’s sense of self?
Victims often experience identity diffusion, losing a stable sense of who they are, leading to emotional dysregulation and dissociative symptoms.

Q4: What is the nine-fold path to recovery?
It is a holistic healing framework addressing the body, mind, and functions to help victims regain control, rebuild identity, and restore emotional health after narcissistic abuse.

This detailed exploration of narcissistic abuse and recovery aims to shed light on the complexity of the experience and provide a roadmap for healing those affected by this profound trauma.