Control Freaks and Their Victims
[00:02] Introduction to Control Freaks and Definitions
Sam Baknin, a psychology professor and author, introduces the topic of control freaks, emphasizing the need to distinguish control from related but distinct concepts:
- Control: Focused on securing the source of outcomes (e.g., controlling the person rather than just the outcome).
- Manipulation: Goal-oriented behavior aimed at extracting benefits (sex, money, power, access) from others without necessarily controlling the person directly.
- Power Play: An attempt to establish hierarchical dominance through displays of strength and prowess, not necessarily resulting in control.
- Sado-Masochism: A transactional, consensual dynamic where both parties participate equally and benefit, which differs fundamentally from control dynamics.
These distinctions set the foundation for understanding control as a unique psychological and relational phenomenon.
[00:48] Manipulation vs. Control
- Manipulation targets outcomes by influencing people to produce desirable results.
- It is often goal-focused (e.g., narcissists manipulate for the “four S’s”: sex, supply, sadistic/narcissistic services, and safety).
- Control seeks to dominate the individual themselves (control the “cow” rather than just the “milk”).
- Manipulation generally follows control: one first establishes control, then manipulates to extract benefits.
[03:03] Control vs. Power Play
- Power play is a strategic contest to establish who is “boss” through competition.
- It does not always result in control; one can engage in power plays without controlling others.
- Control involves a more stable dominance over another person, beyond transient contests of power.
[03:50] Control vs. Sado-Masochism
- In sado-masochistic relationships, dominance and submission are consensual and transactional.
- Both parties benefit and are aware of their roles.
- Control, in contrast, is usually non-consensual and involves an imbalance where one party dominates unconsciously and the other is coerced or colludes without full awareness.
[05:14] Control Dynamics: Controller and Controlled
- Control involves a delicate unconscious dance between the controller and the controlled.
- Collaboration or collusion of the controlled is necessary for control to be established.
- Unlike sado-masochism, in control dynamics both parties are generally unconscious of their roles.
- Control is grounded in information asymmetry: the controller withholds or controls information to maintain dominance.
[06:32] Motivations of the Controller
- Narcissistic grandiosity: Controllers may seek to enhance their self-image by feeling omnipotent and superior.
- Control is reinforced by withholding information, creating a hierarchy where the controller “knows more” and therefore “is in charge.”
- Information asymmetry is a foundation of many hierarchies (e.g., military ranks, medical professions).
- Not all controllers are narcissists; most are not.
- A more common motivation is separation insecurity (fear of abandonment).
- Controllers attempt to prevent others from leaving by making abandonment costly or implausible.
- This motivation intensifies when the partner or others appear unhappy.
- Abuse can function as a loyalty test in such dynamics.
[09:48] Techniques of Controllers
Controllers use three primary techniques to maintain control:
| Technique | Description | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Intimidation | Using fear to manipulate and dominate the controlled party | Threats or aggressive behavior |
| Disorientation | Creating confusion, often through gaslighting, to undermine the victim’s sense of reality | Gaslighting tactics |
| Broadcasting Expectations | Expressing disappointment or setting implicit demands to control compliant or codependent individuals | Feigning disappointment to influence behavior |
[11:21] Unconscious Nature of Control
- Controllers often deny or are unaware of their controlling behaviors.
- Such behaviors satisfy deep, unconscious psychological needs.
- Accusations of control are typically rejected with aggression.
- Similarly, the controlled party is often unconscious of their role in the dynamic.
[12:01] Motivations of the Controlled Party
The controlled person’s motivations include:
- Need for a secure base: They seek safety, familiarity, and comfort found within a structured hierarchy and control.
- Victimhood identity: Being controlled allows some individuals to justify their victim or martyr identity.
- Internalized bad object constellation: Negative internal voices telling them they are unworthy, unlovable, or inadequate.
- Being controlled can be a form of self-harm, self-punishment, or validation of these negative self-beliefs.
[14:16] Techniques of the Controlled to Collude in Control
The controlled party may actively or passively collaborate in the control dynamic through:
| Technique | Description |
|---|---|
| Collusion | Entering or maintaining relationships with controlling individuals, accepting coercive control |
| Control from the Bottom | Ostentatious displays of helplessness, neediness, or clinginess that provoke controlling responses (common in codependency) |
| Liability and Dysregulation | Creating unpredictability, emotional instability, or “crazy making” behavior that forces the other party to become controlling as a defense |
- Control from the bottom involves emotional blackmail where the controlled party’s helplessness compels the controller to take charge.
- Liability and dysregulation cause the controller to feel compelled to monitor and supervise, infantilizing the controlled party to trigger control.
[16:26] Summary of Control and Victim Techniques
- Control dynamics are a complex interplay of unconscious motivations and behaviors.
- Both controller and controlled contribute actively to the maintenance of control.
- Control is not merely imposed but requires collaboration, often unconscious, from both parties.
- Understanding these mechanisms is crucial for recognizing, addressing, and potentially disrupting harmful control-based relationships.
Key Insights
- Control is distinct from manipulation, power plays, and consensual sadomasochism, each with unique dynamics and motivations.
- Control relies on information asymmetry and unconscious psychological needs, particularly narcissistic grandiosity and separation insecurity.
- The controlled party often colludes unconsciously due to needs for safety, identity in victimhood, or internalized negative self-concepts.
- Techniques used by both parties create a self-reinforcing cycle of control, with emotional blackmail, gaslighting, and destabilization as common methods.
- Recognizing control dynamics requires awareness of both conscious and unconscious behaviors in interpersonal relationships.
This detailed analysis enriches our understanding of the psychological underpinnings of control freak behavior and the shared dynamics between controllers and the controlled.
