Cheating, Triangulation in Sick Relationships: Power Play, Revenge, Entitlement

1. Introduction to Topic and Context

• The speaker, a professor of psychology and author on narcissism, introduces the topic of cheating and triangulation, specifically in obsessive and abusive relationships and narcissistic individuals. [00:00]

2. Cheating and Triangulation in Obsessive Sick Relationships

• These relationships are founded on mutual obsession where partners inflict pain as the primary mode of communication and to establish hierarchical power dynamics, which are ever-shifting. [03:10]
• Cheating is not about leaving the relationship but about cementing it, signaling distress, revenge, power play, and emotional manipulation. [06:20]
• Four primary motivations of cheating in these relationships:
  1. Revenge: Inflicting pain to reflect or respond to hurt, which paradoxically strengthens attachment due to the twisted perception of love through pain. [08:00]
  2. Restoring power symmetry: Cheating rebalances the power dynamic between partners. [12:45]
  3. Catering to unmet emotional and sexual needs: Used as short-term self-medication with external partners. [15:00]
  4. Affirming internalized bad object identity: Cheating serves as self-punishment and affirmation of negative self-concepts derived from childhood trauma. [18:30]
• Such relationships often start with intense loyalty and faithfulness but descend into dysfunction triggered by betrayal or rejection, leading to cycles of self-destruction and mutual harm. [21:30]
• External partners in triangulation are viewed as instruments; the cheater dismisses any potential for genuine intimacy with them. [24:20]
• Gender role reversals occur: women become sexually predatory and emotionally detached, men become emotionally dysregulated and feminine in pathological ways. [27:00]
• Childhood trauma (parental abuse or neglect) influences these dynamics profoundly, driving partners to reenact abusive patterns. [29:45]

3. Cheating and Triangulation in Narcissistic Individuals

• Unlike typical patterns, narcissists cheat for complex reasons:
  1. Seeking narcissistic supply to boost self-esteem. [32:00]
  2. Novelty seeking due to boredom and arrested development. [33:00]
  3. Maintaining an “island of stability” in chaotic lives via stable career or life areas, while engaging in chaotic sexual affairs. [34:30]
  4. Sense of entitlement and superiority, believing themselves above laws and social norms. [36:00]
  5. Resentment against conventional social roles like marriage, viewing loyalty as a reduction of their uniqueness. [37:45]
  6. Desire for control through initiating relationships where they dictate terms, avoiding negotiation and compromise. [39:20]
  7. Fear of intimacy and insecure attachment styles lead to approach-avoidance compulsive behaviors; cheating acts as a defense mechanism against intimacy. [41:10]
• Narcissists justify cheating as attempts to reignite the relationship but also use it as evidence to claim the relationship was doomed. [43:00]

4. Types and Purposes of Triangulation

• Triangulation is the use of a third party to manage emotional intimacy or transactional aspects of a primary relationship and involves flirting, sex, or other interactions with the third party. [45:10]
• Two types of triangulation:
  1. Breakup triangulation: Ostentatious cheating aimed at provoking the partner to initiate breakup, allowing the triangulator to avoid blame. [46:30]
  2. Restorative triangulation: Attempts to revive relationships by provoking emotional responses through jealousy or attention manipulation. [48:00]
• Triangulation is risky, often resulting in extreme reactions including sexual assault, relationship breakdowns, and emotional harm to all parties. [49:20]
• The third party often feels used as an object and might suffer harm or emotional trauma. [50:45]

5. Characteristics of Habitual Triangulators and Outcomes

• Most triangulators are impulsive, dysregulated, and may have psychopathic traits, acting with tunnel vision without regard for future consequences. [52:15]
• The dynamic is unpredictable and often spirals out of control, damaging everyone involved. [53:40]
• Men in these situations often misinterpret female behavior as sexual invitation (sexual over perception bias), leading to aggressive and harmful responses. [54:50]

6. Conclusion: Cycle of Abuse, Pain, and Trauma Bonding

• In mentally ill or dysfunctional partnerships, cheating and triangulation form part of a destructive cycle of mutual harm driven by a belief that love is pain, pain is control, and control prevents abandonment. [56:30]
• This results in trauma bonding, repeated infidelities, triangulations, and continual emotional injuries, leaving a wake of hurt people used as instruments in these toxic games. [58:15]

Note: Timestamps represent approximate positioning in the transcript where each topic or subtopic is addressed.