Narcissist’s Sex: Competition, Degrading Porn

1. Introduction to Sex as Competition in Narcissism

• Sam Vaknin introduces the concept that narcissists view sex not as intimacy but as a form of competition. They compete against previous lovers, themselves, and their records of sexual performance, focusing heavily on quantitative measures such as number and frequency of orgasms. The partner acts as a referee and sexometer in this context.
  • [00:00 – 07:30]

2. Narcissist’s Performance Anxiety and Aggression

• The competitive nature creates intense performance anxiety and resentment because the narcissist perceives their partner as constantly judging and comparing. This hypervigilance generates paranoia and suspicion during sex, casting the partner subconsciously as a figure who humiliates or entraps the narcissist.
• Aggression in narcissistic sexuality arises from entitlement (“you owe me sex”) and the counterfactual narrative that the partner is malevolent and critical.
  • [07:31 – 14:30]

3. Paranoid Ideation and Internal Narrative

• Despite most partners being caring and compassionate, the narcissist’s mind fabricates a Kafkaesque trial where the partner invites multiple unseen competitors into the sexual arena, heightening suspicion and anger.
• The narcissist experiences sex as a battle for survival and supremacy, constantly feeling under threat and evaluated against others invisibly present.
  • [14:31 – 21:30]

4. Mechanistic and Impersonal Nature of Narcissistic Sex

• Sex for the narcissist is a mechanistic tallying process dominated by performance metrics rather than intimacy or tenderness. It is largely autoerotic, with the partner serving as a mirror for the narcissist to pleasure himself indirectly.
• Authentic, collaborative sex that involves mutual satisfaction is largely unattainable and frustrating to narcissists, as it challenges their grandiosity and exposes emotional inadequacy.
  • [21:31 – 30:00]

5. Narcissistic Injury through Sexual Experience

• Sex often serves as a narcissistic injury, revealing the narcissist’s limitations, incompetence, and emotional illiteracy. Both cerebral and somatic narcissists experience similar sexual dynamics, differing mainly in the physical involvement of others versus self.
• Healthy sexual relations are characterized by reciprocity and negate entitlement, which stands in direct opposition to narcissistic sex.
  • [30:01 – 38:00]

6. Entitlement and Its Destructive Effect on Sexual Relations

• Narcissists demand sex as an entitlement, focusing exclusively on their own needs and expecting partners to fulfill them without consideration. This dynamic ruins sex quality and harms partners.
• The partners’ dissatisfaction reflects poorly on the narcissist, worsening sex and relationship quality. Both male and female narcissists share these traits.
  • [38:01 – 44:30]

7. Consensual Yet Aggressive and Degrading Sex

• Although narcissistic sexual aggression is always consensual, with partners typically consenting enthusiastically, the nature of the sex involves humiliation, objectification, and degradation.
• Narcissists gravitate towards partners who are submissive, sadomasochistic, or open to unconventional sexual practices that facilitate their need for domination and control.
  • [44:31 – 52:00]

8. The Asymmetry Between Narcissist and Partner’s View of Sex

• Narcissists treat sex as a form of masturbation and reaffirmation of their grandiose self-concept, while partners often seek genuine intimacy.
• This stark contrast leads to partners feeling used, diminished, and emotionally soiled despite the consensual nature of the encounters.
  • [52:01 – 58:30]

9. The Vile and Dissatisfying Nature of Sex with a Narcissist

• Sex with narcissists leaves partners with negative emotional residue; it is gritty, mechanical, and brings no real gratification.
• Narcissists’ focus is always inward, treating the partner as a sex toy or reflection, fully immersed in their fantasy world while disconnecting from reality and their partner.
  • [58:31 – End]

This summary captures the main thematic elements discussed in the meeting regarding the nature of sex and sexuality in narcissistic individuals, cited according to timestamps for easy reference.