3 Ways to Manipulate Codependent People-pleasers (Clip: Vaknin Narcissism Summaries YouTube Channel)
Manipulating People Pleasers: Three Steps
- To manipulate a people pleaser, one must: (1) clearly communicate expectations either overtly or behaviorally, ensuring the people pleaser understands that these expectations must be met; (2) communicate pleasure when expectations are met but leave room for more, creating an ongoing cycle of gratification and doubt; (3) communicate profound disappointment or heartbreak whenever expectations are not met, threatening abandonment to deepen reliance and servitude. These tactics effectively create a lifelong, self-sacrificing servant [00:00].
Psychological Mechanisms in People Pleasers and Parentified Children
- People pleasers and adults who were parentified as children function with specific automatic thoughts that shape their identity and behavior. These thoughts are influenced by introjects—internal voices that send automatic messages, shaping behavior to uphold a chosen self state and its constructs [02:20].
- Constructs filter and reframe reality and memory to support the self state, affecting how the individual perceives reality and behaves in the environment to create outcomes that validate their internal state [02:20].
Core Automatic Negative Thoughts in People Pleasers
- Zero-Sum Happiness Thought: “My happiness is always at someone else’s expense.” People pleasers believe their joy imposes burdens on others, leading them to withhold happiness to avoid causing distress [03:40].
- Earning Happiness: “I have to earn my happiness.” Happiness is not seen as inherent or deserved; it must be worked for and justified through labor or tasks, often causing people pleasers to become workaholics or develop addictions which they perceive as hard work [05:10].
- Bribing for Acceptance: “I have to bribe people to be with me.” People pleasers feel unworthy and must compensate or corrupt others through giving something to maintain relationships, reflecting their self-view as unlovable or inadequate [07:10].
- Need to Compromise: “I need to compromise my boundaries and rights.” Due to the earlier thoughts, people pleasers consistently minimize themselves, giving up personal boundaries and demands to maintain relationships [08:20].
Additional Context and Sources
- The speaker references their prior work and videos exploring constructs, self states, and how memories and realities are reshaped to uphold identity frameworks, suggesting further viewing for deeper understanding [02:15].
- The example of biblical toil (Adam and Eve) is used to illustrate cultural and psychological roots underpinning the belief that happiness must be earned through hard work [06:45].
All timestamps are relative to the beginning of the transcript.
