3 Tests+3 Baits: How Narcissist Lures You (Clip Skopje Seminar Opening, May 2025)

Overview

The speaker presented a structured, psychodynamic account of narcissistic behavior as a staged, compulsive process that creates a “shared fantasy” between the narcissist and a target. The talk described sequential phases through which a narcissist identifies, recruits, and indoctrinates victims, emphasizing the largely unconscious, compulsive nature of these behaviors and their heavy psychological cost to both parties.

Key Stages and Concepts

1) Spotting

• Definition: An automatic, compulsive scanning of social environments to identify potential sources of “supply.”
• Contexts: Happens primarily within a “pathological narcissistic space” (pub, church, household, workplace—places where the narcissist already has followers or admiration).
• Features: Rapid assessment of others’ potential utility (emotional, practical, social). Distinction made between narcissists (compulsive, mostly unconscious) and psychopaths (deliberate, intentional).
• Consequence: Constant vigilance; describes narcissism as depleting and exhausting for the narcissist.

2) Auditioning

• Purpose: To test potentials for fit within the shared fantasy.
• Three tests of the audition:
  1. Can the target be idealized? (Minimum traits: intelligence, attractiveness, obedience, insight—anything that can be magnified.)
  2. Can the target provide at least two of the “Four S’s”:
     • Sex
     • Supply (narcissistic supply, attention, admiration)
     • Services (material help, money, social connections, domestic help)
     • Stability/Safety (submissiveness, reliability, mothering potential)
  3. Is the target vulnerable? (Has psychological wounds, mental illness, escapism, romantic/fantasy orientation, self-loathing or grandiosity that can be exploited.)
• Mode: Mostly enacted by the narcissist; often subtle and rapid (may occur in early encounters).

3) Baiting

• Triadic bait components:
  1. The narcissist’s “inner child” (a convincing simulation of infantile neediness and hurt which triggers protective instincts in others).
  2. The target’s inner child (the narcissist seeks to bond with and regress the target to childhood dependency).
  3. The enormousness of the shared fantasy (an unreal, grand vision of a partnered life that fulfills the target’s psychological needs).
• Mechanisms:
  • The narcissist simulates wounded childlike features to trigger caregivers’ protective responses.
  • Resonance: Reference to John Lachkar’s idea of “resonance of archaic wounds”—shared dysfunctional family origins creating immediate recognition and affinity between narcissist and victim.
  • Regression and infantilization: The narcissist actively regresses the target (reduces executive/ego functions), encouraging dependence, deferral, and a cult-like shared reality.
• Outcome: The target often assumes a caregiving/mother role or otherwise becomes emotionally enmeshed and dependent.

Psychological and Clinical References

• Narcissistic behavior framed as compulsive, largely unconscious (compared to psychopaths who act intentionally).
• Reference to 130 years of clinical observation supporting these behavioral patterns.
• Mention of John Lachkar and his book “The Narcissistic-Borderline Couple” (1982) and the concept of resonance between victim and narcissist.
• Suggested related concepts for further study: developmental age, developmental amnesia, maturational crisis.

Additional Observations and Nuances

• The speaker emphasized that narcissists preferentially scan familiar social spaces with followers rather than totally unknown strangers.
• The process is described as “inexorable” and pre-programmed for narcissists—triggered rapidly and difficult to suppress.
• Gender note: Narcissists can be men or women; the speaker mentioned roughly half are women.
• The shared fantasy functions like a theatrical production: roles, scripts, and an anticipated (but illusory) happy ending.
• The baiting stage culminates in a cult-like shared reality (“cult mind”) tailored to the target’s vulnerabilities.

Immediate Consequences and Next Steps (as discussed)

• After baiting and regression, the narcissist advances to co-idealization (the speaker indicated this is the next stage to be addressed), where mutual idealization of the shared fantasy occurs.
• The victim’s executive functioning is diminished, fostering dependency and enabling deeper control.

Actionable Takeaways

• Recognize staged patterns: spotting → auditioning → baiting → regression → co-idealization.
• Be cautious in environments where an individual has a following or admiration (“pathological narcissistic spaces”).
• Understand common baiting tactics: wounded-child simulation, promises of an all-fulfilling shared fantasy, and regression to childhood roles.
• Review clinical literature (e.g., Lachkar) and developmental concepts (developmental age, maturational crisis) to better contextualize these dynamics.

Notable Quotes / Illustrative Phrases (paraphrased)

• “Narcissist is a cannibal of minds.” (illustrates the concept of consuming others psychologically)
• “It’s not a psychopath — the narcissist can’t help it; it’s a compulsion.” (distinguishes narcissistic compulsion from psychopathic intent)
• “The narcissist offers you an amazing, Disneyland variant of life — divorced from reality.” (describes the lure of the shared fantasy)

Conclusion

The meeting detailed a staged model of how narcissists identify and recruit targets into a contrived, dependent shared fantasy. Emphasis was placed on the compulsive, unconscious nature of this behavior, the manipulative use of childlike simulation, the targeting of vulnerabilities, and the progressive erosion of the target’s autonomy. The speaker signaled that the next stage to examine is co-idealization.