Soft Abandonment and Its Anxiety

[00:02]
Summary: Introduction to Abandonment Anxiety and Object Inconstancy

• Narcissists and borderline personality disorder individuals experience separation insecurity, commonly known as abandonment anxiety or separation anxiety.
• This anxiety arises from the anticipation of being abandoned, ignored, or unseen.
• The underlying pathology is termed object inconstancy or object impermanence—a psychological difficulty in maintaining a consistent mental image of a significant other when physically or emotionally unavailable.
• The speaker acknowledges prior detailed discussions on this pathology and chooses to focus specifically on the concept of abandonment today.

[00:46]
Summary: Defining Abandonment and Hard Abandonment

• What counts as abandonment? The classic, widely recognized form is hard abandonment, such as a breakup where one partner physically leaves: packing belongings, leaving decisively, and never returning.
• This form of abandonment is clear-cut and definitive, involving an overt separation or termination of the relationship.
• Breakups represent the primary example of hard abandonment.

[01:32]
Summary: Introducing Soft Abandonment

• Beyond hard abandonment, there exists a subtler, more pervasive type called soft abandonment.
• Soft abandonment is characterized by behaviors and emotional states that create an ambient or atmospheric sense of abandonment, even while the partner remains physically present.
• These subtle forms can be more damaging because they create ongoing insecurity without clear resolution.
• The speaker, Sam Baky, author and psychology professor, aims to elaborate on this phenomenon.

[02:20]
Summary: Soft Abandonment Triggered by Substantial Differences Between Partners

• A substantial age gap (e.g., 20, 30, or 40 years) between partners may itself create abandonment anxiety due to the older partner anticipating a breakup.
• This principle extends beyond age gaps to any significant differences in:
  • Traits
  • Values and beliefs
  • Preferences, wishes, dreams, fantasies
• When partners are quintessentially dissimilar (e.g., political views such as pro-Trump vs. anti-Trump, religious vs. atheist, Arab vs. Israeli), this incompatibility generates a strong anticipation of abandonment.
• This dynamic applies not only to romantic couples but also to friendships, workplace relationships, and other interpersonal contexts.

[04:07]
Summary: Soft Abandonment Through Emotional and Behavioral Signals

• Another form of soft abandonment is the constant communication of disappointment, disenchantment, and disillusionment by one partner toward the other.
• Examples include:
  • Expressing unmet expectations and frustration openly
  • Criticism, shaming, humiliating the partner
  • Emotional withdrawal and visible giving up on the partner
  • Ignoring the partner’s internal and external experiences
• Such behaviors signal impending abandonment (“I can’t take it anymore, I’m going to walk away”), triggering abandonment anxiety in the recipient.
• This type of abandonment is not physical but a separation of minds, where the partner is physically present but emotionally absent.

[06:19]
Summary: Detailed Manifestations of Soft Abandonment and Their Impact

• Key behaviors constituting soft abandonment include:
  • Disappointment and disenchantment communication
  • Ignoring the partner
  • Constant criticism, shaming, and humiliating
  • Imposing impossible demands, setting the partner up for failure
  • Emotional withdrawal and absence
  • Total indifference to the partner’s wellbeing and the relationship’s status
• These behaviors generate a sense of imminent abandonment and dissolution of the emotional bond.
• The partner experiences separation insecurity despite physical togetherness.

[06:56]
Summary: Rejection as a Form of Soft Abandonment

• Rejection is a prominent manifestation of soft abandonment.
• Types of rejection include:
  • Sexual rejection (refusal of bodily intimacy)
  • Ridicule and biting humor
  • Brutal honesty and harsh criticism
  • Unfavorable comparisons to others (triangulation)
• Rejection is universally perceived as the first step toward abandonment and thus triggers abandonment anxiety.

[08:20]
Summary: Physical Absences and Parallel Lives as Soft Abandonment

• Frequent physical absences—such as constant work travel, excessive busyness, or refusal to share significant parts of life—are forms of soft abandonment.
• Keeping parts of life secret or inaccessible to the partner creates emotional distance.
• Distancing behaviors communicate a withdrawal of interest and companionship (“I don’t want to share my life with you”).
• This distancing initiates abandonment anxiety and signals the potential for eventual hard abandonment.

[10:13]
Summary: Self-Neglect and Self-Destructive Behaviors as Abandonment Signals

• Neglecting oneself physically or mentally, engaging in self-destructive or self-harming behaviors, and acting out are also forms of abandonment.
• These behaviors communicate to the partner a desire to push them away or indicate unhappiness within the relationship.
• In extreme cases, suicide is described as the ultimate form of abandonment.
• Such actions convey implicit messages of “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” and deepen separation insecurity.

[11:32]
Summary: Indifference and Emotional Inaccessibility as Soft Abandonment

• Indifference coupled with impatience—refusal to listen, share concerns, or engage emotionally—is another form of abandonment.
• Even when the partner behaves provocatively (e.g., infidelity), remaining indifferent signals emotional disconnection.
• Creating emotional barriers or “firewalls” isolates the partner mentally, making one an inscrutable presence in their life.
• This internal abandonment can occur despite physical proximity.

[12:12]
Summary: Loneliness Within the Relationship and the Harm of Soft Abandonment

• Couples can physically remain together, share lives, and raise families yet abandon each other emotionally.
• Loneliness within a dysfunctional relationship is profoundly painful—sometimes worse than physical separation.
• Soft abandonment is often more harmful than hard abandonment because:
  • It prevents moving on or seeking healthier relationships
  • It poisons the relationship atmosphere
  • It creates a discrepancy between visible togetherness and internal emotional decay
• This discrepancy can lead to extreme, dysfunctional, or psychopathological responses.

[13:32]
Summary: The Toxic Effects of Soft Abandonment Coupled with Essential Differences

• When soft abandonment is combined with substantial essential differences (age gaps, conflicting values, beliefs, etc.), the experience becomes more terrifying and intolerable.
• The abandoned partner may react with dysfunctional or dangerous behaviors.
• Soft abandonment thus can be as triggering, if not more so, than hard abandonment.
• The speaker urges viewers to understand that abandonment anxiety and separation insecurity do not necessarily imply a breakup; they may refer to a toxic ongoing relational state where abandonment happens internally.

[15:12]
Summary: Conclusion and Broader Understanding of Abandonment Anxiety

• Abandonment anxiety may manifest as:
  • Physical breakup (hard abandonment)
  • Emotional and psychological abandonment within an ongoing relationship (soft abandonment)
• Soft abandonment entails the appearance of togetherness while the relationship is internally deteriorating.
• This hidden internal abandonment can produce significant psychological distress and lead to extreme or pathological outcomes.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing these subtle abandonment forms to better understand separation insecurity in narcissistic, borderline, and even healthy individuals.

Key Concepts and Definitions

Summary Table: Forms and Manifestations of Soft Abandonment

Key Insights

• Soft abandonment is often more damaging than hard abandonment because it prevents closure and prolongs emotional suffering within the relationship.
• Abandonment anxiety arises not only from physical separation but also from a partner’s emotional absence and distancing behaviors.
• Differences between partners, especially fundamental ones, exacerbate abandonment anxiety and increase the likelihood of soft abandonment.
• Behaviors such as criticism, rejection, and emotional withdrawal serve as signals of underlying abandonment, triggering anxiety even when the relationship continues physically intact.
• Recognizing soft abandonment helps understand the complexity of separation insecurity beyond traditional breakup scenarios.

This comprehensive summary captures the full scope of the speaker’s discussion on abandonment, with detailed exploration of both overt and covert forms, their psychological underpinnings, and relational consequences.